


Desidruim

by shatteredlovesick



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-09
Updated: 2020-12-09
Packaged: 2021-03-09 18:28:57
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,816
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27980790
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/shatteredlovesick/pseuds/shatteredlovesick
Summary: DESIDRIUM: AN ARDENT DESIRE OR LONGING
Relationships: Steve Rogers & Reader





	Desidruim

**2013**

_**“You don’t have to do this alone,” He whispered into her ear, arms tightening around her.** _His lips pressed a soft kiss against her neck, inhaling deeply as his nose pressed against her pulse point.

She sighed, shuffling closer into him. She placed her hands over his arms, squeezing them. “I don’t want to, but I have to.”

Her phone lit up, a soft ringtone beginning to play. She reached over and shut it off, groaning at the thought of having to work. She got up, untangling herself from Steve’s grip. The shirt fell to her thighs, and she pushed the loose hair out of her face that fell from her braid.

“I can go on the mission with-”   
  
“Don’t finish that sentence, Rogers,” Her eyes met him through the vanity mirror, holding a stern glare. “You’re still healing from the last mission.”   
  
“I heal faster-” “-Than a normal human, I know. Yet, it’s been three days and you’re still sore and bruised so, you’re not going anywhere anytime soon.” He grunted in response, flopping onto his back. His head fell to the side as he watched her get ready, braiding her dyed jet-black her and bobby pinning loose pieces to keep out of her face. He watched her as she changed into the S.H.I.E.L.D. mandated suit, smiling as she huffed at the tightness of the sleeves.  
  
“Need help?” He asked cheekily.  
  
She glared at him with an unamused face, quirking an eyebrow as she spoke. “Not now, but when I get back I will.”   
  
He smiled, eyebrows raising. “Oh, I like the sound of that.”   
  
“Not for sex, Captain,” She turned to face him, shoving her feet into her shoes.  
  
“Then for what?”   
  
“Guess you’ll find out.” She walked over to the bed, bending down and planting a quick kiss on his lips. “I’ll see you soon.”  
  
He sighed quietly, tracing her jaw softly. “I love you.”   
  
“I love you, too.” She grabbed her phone, walking out of the bedroom. He heard the clinking of her keys and the door unlocking.   
  
“Call me when you get to Hill!”  
  
“I will!”  
  
And she was gone.  
  
 ** _“What the hell, Fury!”_**

Steve was mad. Not mad, angry. Not even angry, he was furious. He didn’t know what to think, or if he was even feeling the correct emotions.   
  
“Can someone explain to me what the hell is going on?” Fury asked his team at the same time, trying to understand the situation.   
  
“The team we sent inside the base went dark an hour ago-” Commander Hill started, furiously clicking away at the tablet.   
  
“An hour? And we’re just being informed now?” Fury exclaimed.   
  
“Agent Y/L/N said that HYDRA was intercepting their communications, so she requested permission to go dark.”  
  
“And you gave it to her?”   
  
“No, they went dark before I could answer,” She pulled up their body cam footage, showing Steve and Fury. “This is the last thing we saw.”  
  
 _Y/N was leading the team, gun in front of her as she rounded the corners. The other agents followed her lead, communicating with hand signals and a few words._  
  
 _“Do you smell that?” She muttered into her comms, covering her nose._  
  
 _“Yeah, smells like shit.” Agent Garrison answered, a snort coming from the leader._  
  
 _“We’re almost at the lab, maybe it’s just what they’re working on.” Another agent, Agent Richardson, jumped in._  
  
 _“Maybe. Just be caref-” She was cut off by another female voice._  
  
 _“They’re heading for the lab, hurry!”_  
  
 _The team of five froze, listening for any sign of movement. They set up a secure system, Agent Y/L/N lifting her wrist to her lips._  
  
 _“Commander Hill, this is Team Alkaline. We’ve been intercepted. Requesting permission to go dark. I repeat we’ve been intercepted. Requesting permission to go dark.”_  
  
 _There was no noise, but all agents turned to face behind them, guns raised at the threat. The body cameras shut off at that moment, and the communication system went silent._   
  
Steve felt his pulse quickening, heart beating fast as he replayed the events over in his head.   
  
“We’ve been working on getting the last image all bodycams showed, and the audio that was last heard.”   
  
“Commander Hill!” One of the agents called, grabbing the attention of all three. “We were able to get the last image.”  
  
“What is it?” Steve asked as they all gathered around the computer. A blurry image of a figure holding some type of weapon.  
  
“Can you enhance the image?” Hill asked, Fury huffing at the lack of identity.  
  
“We’re trying, but so far it’s no use.”   
  
“Isn’t the point of high-end, S.H.I.E.L.D. created and operated body cameras to capture all images?”   
  
“Yes sir, but-”  
  
“Then why the hell did we lose images from 5 cameras. Not one, not two. Five.”  
  
“It wasn’t the cameras, sir. There was some sort of interference.”  
  
“Well fix it!”  
  
“Give me the location,” Steve spoke up. Fury and Hill turned to him, already shaking their heads. “It’s not a request. I’ll get the location one way or another. I like not having to go behind your backs.”   
  
Maria sighed, tapping on the tablet before his S.H.I.E.L.D. mandated phone buzzed against his thigh. She gave him a stern look as she spoke. “You have 24 hours. You leave in ten.”   
  
Steve emerged from one of the side rooms, Agent Romanoff leaning against the wall opposite. They walked together towards their waiting quinjet, Steve fidgeting with his helmet that rested in his hands.  
  
“Do you know anything?” He asked, assuming the agent knew more than she led on.   
  
“Just what you know,” She glanced at him before stepping up into the quinjet.   
  
The 3-hour ride to the HYDRA base was filled with Steve going over the plan with the STRIKE team, even coming up with back-up plans for the back-up plans. Regardless of how much Steve wanted to jump out of the quinjet, slam through the HYDRA base, find her and bring her home, he knew he needed to be careful. One wrong move and they can kill her. So he waited until the quinjet landed a mile away from the base, practically running out of the open door. The team moved quickly and in formation, sweeping for guards.   
Steve canvassed the area before turning to Natasha.  
  
“Cover me.” She nodded, gun out as he held his shield in front of him, and took off to the front of the base.   
  
He never made it.   
  
The building exploded, causing him to fly back towards the team. They pulled him to safety, Steve panting as he watched it burn.   
  
“This is Agent Romanoff, the target has exploded, I repeat, the target has exploded.”   
  
**2014**  
  
 _ **“Bucky?”**_ Steve couldn’t believe it. Bucky, his Bucky, was alive. After 70 years, he was still alive.   
  
“Who the hell is Bucky?” He looked down, before raising his arm with the gun trained on him.  
  
He never got to shoot. Natasha had thrown him back with the rocket launcher.  
  
Later, when he and Natasha were in the bunker of Camp Lehigh, Zola had flashed a picture that had burned itself into his mind.   
  
As he held the shield above him to cover him and Nat, he couldn’t help but think. She’s really alive? It had been a year, and the base had blown up, but she was alive. So after Steve had let Bucky beat him to a pulp, something he thought never would have happened back in the ‘40s, and saved him from drowning in the water, he had asked Sam to look for him.   
  
Sam, of course, was happy to. Helping _the_ Captain America with a personal task? He couldn’t be more ecstatic.   
  
“And there’s someone else I need you to look for.” Steve had said, seriously and quietly.   
  
“Yeah, anything.” Sam had replied.  
  
Steve was sure he could trust him, he just didn’t know if he could trust her. It had been a year, and if HYDRA really had her, he didn’t know what she was capable of.   
  
“Her name is Y/N Y/L/N, but she has multiple aliases’ that I’ll send you. She…” he looked out the car window, watching the people passing. “We were dating when she disappeared. Or, been assumed dead. The base she had been at, exploded when we were on the rescue mission.”  
  
“I’m sorry, man.” Sam clapped his hand on Steve’s shoulder, giving him a somber look. “I’ll find them, I promise.”   
  
**2015  
  
 _“Sounds like a hell of a fight,” Sam said with a drink in his hand._** _“_ Sorry I missed it.”   
  
Steve smiled, “If I had known it was going to be a firefight, I absolutely would have called you.”   
  
“No, I’m not actually sorry,” He started, stopping his walk with the captain. “I’m just trying to sound tough. I’m very happy chasing cold leads on our missing persons’ case. Avenging is your world. Your world is crazy.”   
  
“Be it ever so humble.” Steve wanted to ask what Sam had found, on both Bucky and Y/N. Even if it was a cold lead, it was better than nothing.  
  
“You find a place in Brooklyn yet?” Sam asked, changing the topic.   
  
“I don’t think I can afford a place in Brooklyn."  
  
“Well,” Sam started, taking a sip of his drink. “Home is home, you know?”   
  
After Ultron, and after Sokovia, Steve decided to help Sam in his spare time. He was a mentor at the compound, so it was mostly during the night.   
  
“I have a lead,” Sam said one night over the phone. Steve had stopped his drawing, pencil tense in his hand. “I’m going after it.”  
  
“Where?” His voice was strong, although he wasn’t.   
  
“Somewhere in Europe.” Steve looked at him with an exasperated look. “I don’t want to give your hopes up. Let me check it out, and if it looks legit, I’ll let you know.”   
  
“Is it for her?” He sounded hopeful, despite his lack of hope after two years. Sam pressed his lips together, shaking his head.   
  
**2016**   
  
_**Bucky was in Bucharest.**_ Y/N was nowhere to be found.   
  
Bucky was wanted for the assassination of T’Chaka. Steve had to make sure he went free. He was his best friend, even if he didn’t remember.   
  
“Steve,” Sam caught the attention of the super-soldier. They were readying themselves for their mission of rescuing Bucky, but Sam had just found evidence of her alive. “Was one of Y/N’s alias’ ‘Vaness Jackson’”  
  
“Yeah, it was like her first one. Why?” Steve didn’t recall giving it to him, even forgetting about it himself.   
  
“Oh shit,” Sam muttered, staring at his tablet. “We need to get moving, now.”   
  
So they did, and as Steve felt fear trickle up his spine, the thought of his Bucky killing him here, in his small apartment in Bucharest, where he didn’t know anything or anyone, he whispered a prayer for her to hear. “Y/N, please.”   
  
But Bucky heard it. And he smashed his fist through the floor, gripping the strap of his bag. He threw it out the window, ready to run. But he turned to him first, no emotion behind his eyes. “If you want to live, never say that name again.”   
  
Steve ran after him, obviously. He wasn’t losing Bucky now, especially if he knew where she was. But as they ran, a man in a black catsuit appeared. And then they were caught by the police force and transferred to a facility.   
  
“You like cats?” Sam asked T’Challa.  
  
“Sam.” Steve sighed.   
  
“What? Dude shows up dressed like a cat and you don’t wanna know more?”  
  
Steve didn’t get to answer. Something hit the glass of the van, cracking the window. The small object stayed in the broken spot, and Steve leaned closer to examine it.   
  
“Gun!” The man beside him yelled out, the policemen turning to look at him. Steve realized he was right, the bullet stuck in the glass.   
  
“Drive faster!”   
  
“Someone’s trying to kill us!” Sam yelled, forgetting about the catsuit entirely. “And I don’t think America will be very happy that you let us die!”   
  
Another one hit the window, cracking it more, but it never broke through.   
  
“What the hell?” Sam exclaimed, moving to look at it closer. The last bullet landed in Sam’s area, his eyes widening before he moved away from it. “Yeah, I’m not doing this. Steve, tell them to hurry up.”   
  
Steve tilted his head, trying to figure out why they didn’t continue the assault. The officers finally picked up the pace, oblivious to the fact that someone was trying to kill them.   
  
“They marked us,” Sam spoke up, the two looking at him incredulously. “Each bullet is marking us. We’re their target.”   
  
Steve couldn’t worry about that right now. Right now, he had to save Bucky.   
  
And they were almost free when Tony showed up in Germany. They needed the trap, needed a way out undetected.   
  
But someone else showed up.   
  
They were shooting at Tony’s team, hitting T’Challa in the knee. He rolled behind a car, pulling the object from his leg. When he held it up, Steve couldn’t believe his eyes. A tranquilizer. With one man down, Tony began going overdrive. The spider kid was swinging through the air when he was hit, the amount immediately knocking him out. He was falling straight to the ground, and Tony flew after him. Steve and Bucky ran towards the jet, stopping when Natasha held her Widow’s Bite to them.  
  
“You’re not gonna stop.”   
  
“You know I’m not.” She stared at him, before coming to a decision.  
  
“I’m gonna regret this.” Steve waited for the sting of the bite, but it didn’t come.   
  
Instead, it hit T’Challa, who had woken up sometime during the interaction.   
  
Steve and Bucky ran into the quinjet, escaping the airport.  
  
“I told you, you shouldn’t have said that name.”  
  
“What?” Steve looked at him, still panting from the fight. “What name?”   
  
“Her name.”   
  
The realization hit Steve, his heart pounding with happiness at the thought that she was alive. “She’s alive?”   
  
“She’s like a ghost except she was never dead.” Bucky stopped, before turning to his friend. “How do you know her?”   
  
“She’s my girlfriend. Or w-was my girlfriend. She went MIA three years ago.”   
  
Bucky sighed, not knowing how to break the news. “Steve, she’s not the same girl you know.”  
  
“What?” He looked between the sky and the former sergeant. “Wait, how do you know her?”   
  
“Steve…” He didn’t want to know what he meant. He wanted to just live in oblivion, his sweet girl in his arms as she marveled about Johnny Depp and Ryan Reynolds and how she wanted dogs in the future and kids and how she loved him. But instead, he was left with a sick feeling in his gut as he knew what Bucky meant. She didn’t love Ryan Reynolds or Johnny Depp. She didn’t love dogs or kids. She wasn’t in his arms, scratching his back softly as she pressed kissed to his chest where his heart lay. She had marked them as her targets, turned into a killer by HYDRA. Taken and brainwashed as they did Bucky in the ‘40s. When he thought his best friend was dead, as he watched him fall from the train hundreds of feet up in the mountain. Bucky screaming at the terror of what comes next. What comes after death.   
  
And HYDRA took his Bucky from him.   
  
And again in 2013, when he watched the body cameras of her team being ambushed. The fear in her voice that only he knew. When she froze as the thought of her life ending became the most realistic thought. When she knew that requesting to go dark was the best option, so their friends didn’t have to see them killed like pigs in the slaughter. The way he still had hope, as he ran for the HYDRA base, just for it to go up in flames and killing every single ounce of hope he wanted to hand on to.   
  
And HYDRA took his Y/N from him.   
  
**2018**   
  
_**Steve, Sam, and Natasha had been on the run for two years now.** _Avengers Civil War is what the media had called his last interaction with Tony, his other best friend.  
  
He swore he saw her, more than once over the grueling two years. As if she was following him. That would be the biggest plot twist in his life since the great assassin known as the Winter Soldier was revealed to be James Barnes, and he woke up from the ice 70 years later.   
  
So they went to Wakanda, after picking up Bruce and Rhodey. And they fought alongside each other, his best friend nice and healthy. And he thought they had won.   
  
Until _Steve_.   
  
Steve looked over, to see his best friend turning into dust, disappearing fully in front of his eyes.   
  
When Carol arrived from space, willing to find Tony and then taking them to Thanos, he thought they would be able to reverse it.   
  
Get Bucky back. And Y/N, if she wasn’t alive.  
  
Thanos had destroyed the stones. Steve had lost himself.   
  
He was angry and hurt, and sad, and frustrated. He left Natasha alone in the compound and moved back into his Brooklyn apartment.   
  
He stayed within his walls until he opened his own support group for those who also suffered. Not knowing if you were dead, he was hanging by a thread. He was drinking a beer, despising his lack of the ability to get drunk. He was missing Sam today, more than usual. He thought he heard her laugh, and sighed, shaking his head. He chuckled at himself, but it turned into full-blown sobs. He hugged the blanket that still smelled like her because he washed it with her favorite detergent when the smell went away. He cried for her to return, to help him find himself. He cried for the years they lost. For the family, he craved and yearned for. The one he was supposed to build with her. Steve cried himself to sleep, his heart aching for the girl he loved.   
  
Here’s the thing. Steve didn’t believe in guns.   
  
Sure, he had to use one when he was at basic training in the ‘40s, but now? He didn’t need one. He had his shield, which protected him when he jumped out of a building, so why wouldn’t it protect him from guns? He thought they were stupid and dangerous and had been shot at way too many times it's annoying.  
  
So, when he woke to someone in his apartment, his immediate instinct was to throw his shield. But he didn’t have it. Tony did. So Steve did the next best thing. Pretended to still be sleeping, despite his anxiety of escaping safe and quiet.  
  
“You can point your gun at me if it helps you relax,” The voice spoke, the hairs on the back of his neck rising and chills going down his spine. “Unless you still don’t believe in them.”  
  
He opened his eyes, finding the girl sitting on his windowsill and watching the sky, trying to find stars in the night sky. He didn’t say anything, didn’t even move a muscle.   
  
She chuckled softly, before turning to face him. He quickly shut his eyes, afraid of what will happen. Will she disappear? Kill him? This was his mind playing tricks on him. “I know you’re awake, Captain.”  
  
 _Captain_.  
  
Steve opened his eyes, looking at where she last was. She turned to face him, the moonlight illuminating her face. It was her.   
  
It was her.   
  
“Hey stranger,” She smiled, but it didn’t reach her eyes like it used to. “Long time no see.”   
  
He sat up, clutching onto the blanket in his lap. “Yeah.”   
  
“You look good.” She reached over to turn on the lamp, blinking at the sudden change in light. “Although, I prefer the beard and long hair.”   
  
He felt like he was floating. “That-that was you?”   
  
She nodded, letting out a deep sigh. “It’s a long story, but, when I found out you saved Bucky, I decided to look for you. You guys all looked so different, and the new guy, Sam? Didn’t know who he was and didn’t want to risk it. He’s a great detective.”   
  
“Y-Yeah. Helped me find Buck.”  
  
She watched his face, before standing up. She slowly moved towards him, sitting across from him on the coffee table.   
  
“How are you, Steve?” Her hands were clasped together, eyebrows furrowed as she looked at him in worry. “This isn’t how I meant to come back into your life, but I’m worried about you.”   
  
Come back?   
  
“Yeah, come back. I-if that’s okay with you.”   
  
He didn’t realize he had spoken aloud and was worried she would leave.   
  
“Of course I want you to come back,” He whispered. He reached his hand out and smoothed her worry lines, a small smile making its way onto her face. “I’ve just missed you.”   
  
“Yeah?” She grabbed his hand, pressing a kiss to his palm. She held it against her cheek, relief flooding his system. “I’ve missed you so fucking much.”  
  
The crack in her voice made his heartache. He caressed her cheek with his thumb.   
  
“You didn’t answer me, Rogers,” She spoke, looking him in the eyes. “How are you?”   
  
“I’m good,” But the tears threatening to spill didn’t help the lie.   
  
“Oh, Steve,” She stood, wrapping her arms around him and caressing the back of his head as he sobbed into her stomach. She whispered soft words of encouragement, telling him to let it all out.   
  
_It’s okay. I’m here. You’re safe._   
  
“I’m sorry,” He hiccuped, resting his head against her. She hummed, rubbing behind his ears.   
  
He soon calmed, pulling back. “It’s just-you were missing, for 6 years and MIA, and the HYDRA base was blown up and-”   
  
“Steve, look at me, listen to me” His eyes met hers. She looked like herself, but she also looked different. Older. Sadder. Tenser. Anxious. “I’m here, and maybe, one day, I’ll tell you about what happened, but for now, I’m here, and I’m not going anywhere.”   
  
Steve woke up to Y/N laughing at something on TV. She was sitting up, her leg over Steve’s back and her hand on his head. He pressed a quick kiss to her thigh, her eyes wandering over to the blonde man. He had let his hair grow out, but his beard was still gone. “Morning,” She said cheerily, removing her leg from his back and allowing him to roll over. He sighed, a smile on his lips.   
  
“Mornin’ to you,” She planted a kiss on his cheek, a smile that reached her eyes planted on her face. He cupped her cheeks, staring lovingly into her eyes.   
  
She’s back.


End file.
